Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Thursday, July 7, 2011
The post I am referring to on ShafersGirl's blog can be found here - http://submissivehappywife.blogspot.com/2011/07/what-to-do.html
My response to her post is as follows -
"I imagine that most Masters and slaves occasionally act as vanilla people do. It is a different kind of relationship but still a relationship which is prone to the same kinds of spats that most are. Albiet, they may happen less frequently since there isn't the usual struggle for power with roles defined as they are, but they still happen sometimes. After living with someone or being with someone for a long time some of their habits may start to grate on us but the beauty of love is that we can overlook that and love everything else about them. The one funny thing about the early stage of falling in love is that love is blind and so those habits we either ignore or don't notice!
Just yesterday I totally stepped out of my place and threw a huge temper tantrum. I said all kinds of mean and terrible things to Master. Of course, last night I was in that guilt-mode where I was telling Master how ashamed I was at my un-slave-like behavior. I very rarely ask to be punished but yesterday was the one-of-two times in our 13-month relationship that I brought it up. The punishment he gave me was to not give me any punishment and to instead use my guilt as my punishment.
Master has said he would never use the silent-treatment as punishment, but he is human and humans' emotions are so intricate and complex that I'm sure there may be a time in the future that he'll want to brood alone for a while. Sometimes all of us probably like to go and lock ourselves in a room for a while out of feeling hurt.
I think the good thing about the BDSM relationship is that one way to quickly resolve the problem is to let the man release his lustful anger on the behind of a woman who is magically quietened and more than thankful for it. Somehow that has a splendid way of calming everybody and usually ends in good and hot sex!
Now that I think about it, I am not so sure that lovers' spats aren't somehow meant to be part of our biology and psychology as nature's way of getting us to procreate.
Just thinking out loud!"
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Anyway, here is the comment I was making, the length of which I felt deserved to be an actual post.
Hello Her toy,
Thank you for leaving a comment. I am glad to know that other submissives and slaves have similar difficulties (both male and female!). The saying goes that "misery loves company" and I must agree that it is true. I am miserable sometimes that I misbehave but it helps to know that others struggle with similar issues.
Sometimes I want to kick myself because some of the orders I have disobeyed or whined about are orders that Master has given me to help me and to benefit me, even his orders for me to enjoy some of my hobbies or favorite sources of entertainment. I feel that I am ungrateful but I am learning to become more obedient. I know that all of Master's orders are given with good reason. He never makes frivolous orders just because he is in a position of authority, but instead issues demands that will either benefit me or us. (Even the order to suck his cock strengthens our relationship in that when he is pleased I am, too! And oh how I delight in hearing him voice his pleasure when I am down between his legs.)
I always wished that someone would come into my life to push me to do things I needed to do - like cracking the whip to force me to exercise! :) And of course to have someone, some outside force, to push me to accomplish things that I either procrastinated doing or avoided all together. It is so nice now to have that motivation. I wish to show more gratitude and to actually obey in a timely and enthusiastic manner the very orders that I've been wanting all along. I also want to make myself stop trying to find excuses for my behavior, to quit trying to explain things away and to gratefully accept my punishment.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Master once told me that slavery would not always be easy and that sometimes I would even feel angry at him, and I'm starting to see that he is right, but still I would not trade it for anything in the world. I have noticed I've been punished a lot more recently, yet I know it's what I need to help me learn. When he hasn't let me have my way lately I can hear this inner child in my head crying, "What a mean evil Master!" I really have felt guilty about giving Master a hard time lately. I know I'm making it harder on him than it should be, because masters already have so many responsibilities and I know it's not easy to be a master. Subconsciously something in me is putting up a fight, and the other day when I was speaking to him and trying to get out of doing something or getting out of punishment I caught myself trying to sweet talk him and trying to use reverse psychology on him. It's weird that at the time I didn't consciously know I was doing that but then suddenly I stopped and said, "Wow, not even reverse psychology works on you." We both laughed - I laughed because I realized what I was doing and also the futility of it, and Master laughed because he knew exactly what I was doing. I know Master knows what is going on with me because he knows so much about psychology. He understands that adjusting to total and complete slavery is not going to be easy. He punishes me and forgives me and then gives me another chance. He really is very patient with me and I know he'll give me as much time as it takes to become the perfect slave. Today when I've thought about my recent disobedience I imagined that perhaps it was the dying remnants of the free woman in me, clinging tightly to lingering freedom. I want to get rid of her as much as Master does because this will allow me to completely surrender and enjoy the security of being completely owned.
Before I end this post I want to add that to encourage me to better accomplish my tasks he has given me post-hypnotic suggestions to orgasm when I have fulfilled one of his orders. Fear of punishment of course is a motivator but I must admit that the gift of orgasm is a nice reward which also motives me. I love orgasms and I live for them. From morning until night I am horny and constantly craving release. Occasionally Master will say a word which makes me orgasm but now I have another way to orgasm on top of that! So now I have even more encouragement to satisfy his demands.
Thank you, Master, for being patient with me and teaching me and training me to be a good slave. I really do want to be good so that I can serve you for the rest of your life. I love seeing you happy and I feel such guilt when I know I've failed at something.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Saturday, July 2, 2011
I pride myself on being open with Master. I do not like to hide anything from him, and even when I've disobeyed or forgotten one of his orders I will confess because I do not like the guilt I feel if I think I'm hiding something from him. Usually I'll confess of my own volition but sometimes I forget to confess and when Master asks if I obeyed him and I haven't, I will always tell him the truth. He says I'm indolent sometimes, and I agree, but I'm also terribly absentminded and get so distracted by my thoughts or other activities that I will forget even a simple task or ritual.
The Master and slave relationship is always one of giving and receiving to one another. Slaves can always say that their only aim is to please the master, that they forgo all their needs for him, but the role of the slave is not purely selfless. We get something out of it, namely the pleasure we receive knowing our master is proud of us and that he is pleased. We get the sense of security from submitting to his dominance. I cannot think of any act of giving that is purely selfless. Even random acts of kindness are not purely selfless because the giver or doer feels pleasure and a sense of well-being at having given. Master once told me this is called "enlightened self-interest".
In our relationship, Master is always using his intuition to learn about my needs. Sometimes I will reveal them to him directly and other times he can figure them out when my subconscious reveals them in words I say or things I do. I have sometimes teased Master about the fact that I believe he has some kind of extra-dimensional feelers that probe into my soul to extract information. It really truly seems to me that he can read my mind and soul.
Master is really good at figuring people out. He is extremely intelligent and also has a power of intuition that is eerily otherworldly. He has spent a lot of time getting to know and figure out my character and psychology. I couldn't hide anything from him if I wanted to. I know he really wants to make sure my needs are met to keep me happy and so he is always observing me. He really wants our relationship to last for a lifetime. (He says he wants me happy so that I can live to serve him but secretly I think he truly enjoys seeing me happy.) He puts so much effort into it. As a slave I live to serve Master, but in a way he is also serving me. We fine-tune ourselves to meet the needs of the other so that we become a perfect system. We will always aim to have perfect symbiosis.
Every now and then I would make a comment about bullwhipping and somehow Master figured out that it was a fantasy of mine. I could feel myself blushing from head-to-toe when he said to me, "My little pain-slut fantasizes about being bullwhipped, doesn't she." My first reaction was to let out a little giggle. I was speechless for a few moments while I tried to think of how to respond. (Master has a way of making me speechless sometimes.) I was ashamed of this fantasy for some reason. I'm still new to BDSM and have only started to experience receiving pain but I can't get the bullwhip fantasy out of my head. Master says to me that we will eventually have to fulfill my fantasy. He is a wise master, though, because he wants to build my pain-tolerance before I experience this. He wants to make sure I will be able to handle it. I can have some pretty kinky fantasies but I know that in reality it's possible I could learn very quickly that making them a reality probably wasn't the best of ideas. I do not know if I will ever be able to take it, to be honest. The idea excites and thrills me. It makes me wet, and yet at the same time I am very afraid of that bullwhip. The reason I wonder if I'd be able to handle it is because even being whipped with just a belt can really hurt. For a while we were using a wider belt during punishments but then Master wanted to switch to a narrower one - which he calls "The Persuader" - and I'm not as fond of that one as the previous belt because it has more of a sting. I seem to learn my lessons much quicker with that one.
I am one of the lucky submissives because the master I ended up with is one that I will always be safe with. Like some other submissives I could have easily found myself in a precarious situation with another dom. While I have fantasized about BDSM and slavery since I was a girl I had never been in a BDSM relationship and have had no experience whatsoever with S&M, so I did not know the ins-and-outs to being careful about who I submit to. I was very naive. Yes, before meeting Master I had only fantasized about being with cruel unloving masters. When I was only five years old I would hunch the floor to orgasm, even though at the time I did not know what I was doing. As I got older I was very frequently masturbating to my fantasies. (For many years - and still today - I used masturbation to relieve anxiety and nervousness which I developed early on from having an abusive father. So I am always horny!!) I had never imagined mixing love with slavery. For that matter, I had never been in love before. I was just too picky about men. When I met Master I fell in love with him. Shortly after, we signed the Master/slave contract and then he fell in love with me. This has been what I've needed all along. Even if I have very masochistic fantasies I know that in Master's hands I will be safe. I get all my needs met, the most important of which is the lifelong need I've had of unconditional love.
Thank you, Master.
up to this point has been spent wandering around
and waiting for the one man who could tame me.
I slither as a snake around his leg,
my snake tongue teasing the head of the cock.
Am I daring him to force me into submission?
Conquer me.... fuck me.
My sexual energy has the force
of the Universe backing it.
I radiate lust to a place beyond the galaxy,
a subtle pheromonal scent beckoning
a mothership full of aliens...
aliens that will abduct me,
tentacles reaching deep into my pussy
and into my womb,
raping me and all my holes.
Who can conquer and tame
this far-reaching sexual power?
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
As a result my slave feels whole only with me. She feels safe only with me. She feels loved only with me. She cannot even envision life without me as her Master. In essence she lives to please me because she knows that is the key to the future she envisions – a life of service to the one man who completes her totally.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
One thing I have observed over the course of the last year training my slave is that the biblical admonition of “spare the rod and spoil the child” is very applicable to slave training.
When I took Sophia as a slave I made it clear that while I understood that nobody is perfect and that she would inevitably not always complete her duties to my satisfaction, I had no intention of accepting anything less than perfect obedience from her.
Sophia had never been a slave before. She had fantasized about it since a young girl, though. One of my biggest concerns was that she would find the reality of being a slave far less satisfying and comfortable than her fantasy.
Being a genuine slave, as opposed to playing BDSM games is far more demanding than a typical submissive can handle. One key difference is that being a submissive allows a woman the privilege of saying no without ending the relationship. Perhaps the biggest difference, however, is that being a slave means not only total surrender to the Master’s will but embracing the concept of living to serve the Master’s desires regardless of personal desires on the part of the slave.
Until they become slaves, a typical woman and even a typical submissive believe they are entitled to pleasure from their partner as a matter of fairness and right. They believe they have rights which are independent of their partners wishes. Such is not the case with a slave.
As a result, the transition to true slavery can be difficult for a woman. Old habits of thought die hard even when their hearts are in the right place. For that reason I believe that breaking down those old thought processes as quickly as possible is the best way to train a slave and that means continuous conditioning so that obedience becomes reflexive rather than considered.
One problem for Sophia has been her Gemini personality, which chafes at rules laid down by others. A type of passive aggressive resistance can easily develop as a result, where there is no explicit disobedience but rather a kind of foot dragging obedience. That is clearly unacceptable if she is to be the ideal slave I wish to mold her into.
The most effective tool I’ve found for her behavior modification is a belt I call “The Persuader”. Any and all deviation from my instructions, including not performing with the correct spirit, is punished immediately. This typically takes the form of interrupting whatever we are doing, baring her ass and applying a number of strokes to each cheek. This varies from 1 to 10 per cheek for typical offenses.
This is not major punishment. That is reserved for serious offenses. But what these minor punishments accomplish is to immediately reinforce proper behavior since Sophia is required not only to accept her punishment, but to kiss the persuader in appreciation of her upcoming punishment, take the punishment while counting the strokes, thank me for punishing her and most importantly, recite why she is being punished and promise to obey satisfactorily in the future.
As a result my slave is frequently punished but the punishments are not especially harsh. That frequent punishment keeps my slave constantly aware that her performance is being monitored and that she cannot get away with ANYTHING.
Thus my slave becomes accustomed to obedience without question or delay by numerous small punishments. She also thrives by knowing that I am giving her the attention which she needs as a slave and a woman. This makes her feel loved and secure in our relationship.
So to any Master who hesitates to punish his slave because the offense is minor I maintain that both you and your slave will be happier if you never spare the rod. Then you’ll never spoil your slave.
Friday, June 24, 2011
One of the first questions I asked Master when we met was, "What is your I.Q.?" I know that's a silly question to ask someone and anyone can lie about their I.Q. to impress someone. I also know there is more to intelligence than I.Q., but to start off Master did answer my question with a number I found impressive. (I know he found my question amusing.) After knowing him a short while I knew he wasn't lying to me about his I.Q. because it became evident in everything we spoke about. He stimulates me intellectually in ways no one else ever has. (He stimulates me in other ways, too. You know what I'm talking about!)
I am not sure what it is about high intelligence that attracts me. I would venture to guess that it has something to do with strength, though of course it is not physical in nature. The natural woman - and of course the submissive woman - needs to submit to a strong man. She will test him a lot in the beginning to make sure he is the strong man she needs, and she will continue to test him throughout their relationship.
Master is the first man that has been able to conquer me. He is my intellectual superior and he also makes me answer to him when I do not meet his expectations, but also when I do not meet my own expectations. Having a strong man makes me feel safe. I feel secure and protected when I place my life in his hands. He cares for me better than I care for myself. For example, when I am feeling sick I am tempted to just lay in the bed and suffer, being too lazy to get up and do something about it. Master will order me to get up to do something about it, whether it be taking an ibuprofen for pain, gargling with salt water for sore throats, or even making household remedies for kidney stones. Sometimes I will whine about having to get up but he will not let me fail. While at the time I may not like being ordered to get out of the bed, I realize it is best for me.
With my life in his hands I am free. He makes all the decisions and saves me from the anxiety of having to make them, though sometimes I may give him my input and what I call my "slave's advice", which he patiently and appreciatively listens to without feeling that his pride has been wounded. He always takes my input into consideration. So in a way Master takes most of the stresses of the world away from me, and he carries them on his strong shoulders. Even when he punishes me he is taking away my stress at having failed, as it relieves me of guilt and keeps me motivated. In return I gladly and happily serve him. In a way the Master and slave relationship has some parental aspects to it, yet though he is very nurturing to me there will be times that I will nurture him, like when I give him the soft and gentle caresses of a woman's touch, or when I cook his meals for him and make his home pleasant and comfortable to live in. Just as he has comforted and soothed me when something in life has reduced me to tears, I will be there for him over the years to hold him in my arms when something has brought him down.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
"Sophia is a slave. She gave up her right to disobey when I locked her collar in place." If we accept this as true then there should be no need to punish as there should be no disobeying.
Further you said "Thus she is flogged for disobedience, but also as a test of her obedience " and I wonder why is it necessary to test her obedience if you in fact know that you own her. I realize this is a smart ass comment and I am truly asking it to illustrate my point not to piss you off but do you also periodically check your auto registration to make sure your car is yours?
Which brings me to the crux of the matter for me which is "Punishment is therefore necessary because only the threat of punishment constantly reminds the slave that they are in fact a slave" and my continuing dilemma with wrapping my head around this thought process. If she signed a contract, and wears a collar and is happily doing so, she agreed to it and is eagerly accepting of it then why the need of the big stick?
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
She is a very sexually adventurous woman and even though she is married she has several affairs with both men and women. It seems she only feels secure and less vulnerable when she has love coming from multiple sources. While I could never be sexually untrue to Master I do understand this need for love. I do like to make emotional bonds with people.
I identify with Anaïs in the way she was molded into who she was in her adult life. When she was younger her father would severely and angrily beat her when he punished her. As a result it appears to me that she is emotionally imbalanced and seeks validation and love. Her husband is a very loving and patient man but he is not the stronger older man that she secretely desires and needs. She wants a leader, a father figure and someone who can take control of her.
I have been wired in a similar way. My father was quite cruel with me when he punished me and I came to fear him greatly. Even when I was older and knew he couldn't hurt me anymore I was still afraid of him. Every time I was with him I was nervous. I know that not every submissive woman was abused as a child but I am almost certain that my abuse made me into the naturally submissive woman I am today. Also I always looked for older men as my lovers, perhaps because subconsciously I wanted the fatherly love from them that I never got from my own father. Ever since I was 15 I was on the Internet trying to find the older man who could take possession of me. I did not like soft men. I did not like the drooling teenage suitors who pursued me. I needed a man who could keep me in line, a strong man. I needed a man who would not give one second's hesitation to punish me when I misbehaved.
Master and I have spoken about the roles of Masters and slaves and we both agree that in relationships like this there is less room for conflict. Our roles are clearly defined and as such there will not be any struggle for power. We feel that this will lead to a more stable and long-lasting relatiotionship. I know that not every woman desires to submit to a man but I have read countless blogs of women who have been in a vanilla relationship for decades only to realize that they became most happy when their husbands took control. Finally they were no longer allowed to snap at or bad-mouth their husbands without repurcussions. They felt safer, more secure and better protected when they felt the strength of their husbands, and thus they were much more content with their marriage.
I remember a year ago when I was watching a live camera feed of a female owl in a nest with her hatchlings. The father flew into the nest with food and started to attack her. He was beating her with his wings and pecking at her with his beak. I thought he was trying to kill her but I learned from some experts that this was something like an act of affection. He was showing her his dominance and thus was displaying to her that he was there to care for her and her children. I cannot deny, especially after having been given this example, that in many biological creatures there is an inherent need for this act of dominance and submission. Perhaps modern society has tried to make us feel that such behavior is not normal or immoral, but that need is my own. I want equality for women all over the world, especially in the workplace, but in our house and in our bed I want to be at Master's feet.
I will never be able to explain to someone else nor to myself why I like some forms of pain and control and why I find it sexually arousing. That is just how I was programmed and I will never be happy unless this is a part of the relationship I am in. Master knows what types and levels of pain arouse me and also what intensity of pain to use to punish me without mutilating me. I like erotic pain, but I also know that even if I don't like punishment-level pain it is used to keep me in the place that I am most happy. So I will always accept the punishment that Master doles out and I will thank him for it because it not only keeps the structure of our dynamics in place but also enhances our relationship. When I fear punishment I am likely to be less indolent, for example. I will also be less likely to throw a temper tantrum. No matter what, though, Master will only punish with love and self-control and after I have accepted my punishment my slate is wiped clean. He has forgiven me. In most cases I have only gotten in trouble where I have failed to follow through on orders that would have benefited me, my emotional well-being or health. I used to have a bad habit of biting and picking my nails. He ordered me not to bite or pick and when I did he would punish me. Every time I bit or picked he would escalate the intensity of the punishment. I would try to weasel out of punishment by manipulatively attempting to play on his sympathies. I told him that I was under a great deal of stress and that I was unconsciously taking it out on my nails. I was hoping he would take pity on me. He would have none of my excuses and continued to punish me until finally I got the hint. Now I have beautiful long nails that other women envy. The incident also reinforced the lesson that Master's will must always be obeyed. Of course I will also find myself in trouble when I fail to perform my slavely duties, but those are given in order to keep our home a happy home for both me and Master.
A good example of how our relationship works in a positive way is given in the dream I had last night. In real life Master had been a smoker and I was always frustrated that he could not quit. For months I kept pressing him to quit. I BEGGED him to quit to the point that sometimes he was annoyed with me because I became a little pushy and sometimes downright bitchy in that I would insult him. There were times I stepped out-of-place and I was not very slave-like at all and he would chastise me for it. About a month ago he finally did quit. Last night I dreamed that I could hear him inhaling and exhaling puffs of a cigarette while we were on the phone. I asked him, "Are you smoking?" He responded that he was, and I yelled, "Fuck you!" and then I hung up on him. I told Master about my dream this morning. He knows I have a lot of repressed anger that I sometimes let-out in my dreams. He did, however, mention that he knows I would never talk to him like that in real life, and I also know I never would lest I receive the worst hide-tanning of my life.
Until I met Master my world was full of chaos. When he took possession of me there was finally order. Sometimes I still see chaos - I even create my own chaos - and find it unbearable, but it doesn't take long for Master to bring me to peace again. I have only found that peace by submitting to a strong man, a man who is also very loving and nurturing. He protects me from the world. He also protects me from myself.
I love Master. He meets all my needs. I will always work on making sure that his are met, too. When Master is happy, slave is happy. To him my heart is fully open, and so are my legs. ;)
Master has listened intently to me whether I'm doing show-and-tell or bubbling incoherently with tears from some emotional trauma. He has been very generous with his time and has given me tremendous emotional support. He's been a guide to me, and a counselor, too. He has calmed me and soothed me. Of course I love the orgasms he gives me but I also like the way I feel when he holds me while I sit on his lap. He will speak gently to me and stroke my long hair. He will tell me that everything will be OK. Not only does he quench my instinctive sexual desires and need to be controlled and dominated but he also takes care of my inner little girl.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
As Master and slave we are the perfect Yin Yang. Male and female, hard and soft, dominance and submission. As spiritual kinky beings we are naughty and nice. I am owned and I could not be happy any other way. This is my security on earth.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
One of the things that I'm extremely happy about in my relationship with Master is that I feel I can tell him anything. The man I had been married to in the past I was with for over 13 years, and I always felt I had things to hide from him. I felt imprisoned in my vanilla marriage; I feel free as a slave. Isn't that odd? I always want to be an open book to Master. It is very liberating for me to feel that I never have to hide anything from him. So I told him about my dream and also that I felt guilty. I told him I felt as if I had been unfaithful to him in my dream. He eased my concerns, just as he always has when I've told him things I've been guilty or ashamed about. I've made mistakes but never have I feared telling him about them. Even if I get punished for my mistakes I know that I will always be forgiven. Master punishes with love, not anger. (The dream, of course, is not a punishable offence!)
Friday, June 17, 2011
When I was in the dating scene in high school, I dated boys from school just to go through the motions. I never enjoyed it. I dreaded being driven home from a date because I knew the boy would always want to sit in the car in the driveway expecting a kiss, and I hated kissing all of them. I felt no attraction to these boys that were close to my age. I wanted an older man. I did finally start sneaking around with older men. Some of them were 40 or more years older than me. I had more fun with them than with boys my age, but still I couldn't find anyone I could love. I even married a man 32 years older than me but I was not in love with him. I was very unhappy for many years.
Then I met Master. He is an older man but the ingredient I've been missing all this time before meeting him was raw male strength - that of a leader, protector, disciplinarian, guide, teacher, mentor, even father figure. I know some might scoff at the whole father figure idea, but the fact is that Master has given me the nurturing and unconditional love that I never received from my own parents. There is probably something psychologically twisted about that but all I know is that my needs are being met. For the first time in my life I am happy, really truly happy...not just some pretend happy.
There will be plenty of time for me to expand on the details on this blog, but for now I will say very simply that Master and I are in love with each other. We've known each other for over a year and are making plans to move-in together and to eventually marry. For us the element of love has not been a problem. In fact, it has actually enhanced our lives. We are Master and slave, but also lovers, best friends, confidants, playmates and much more. We have had many discussions about our love for each other and have even in the past concluded that we would still love each other even if I decided I didn't want to be a slave or he a Master. Our love has not in the least undermined the power dynamics. Master is boss and I know he is boss. I know my proper role in our relationship.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Before visiting him I had unintentionally abstained from sex for over 11 years, because I was married to a man I was not sexually attracted to. By the time I got to Master I was ready to explode. I was very sexually inexperienced but he taught me so many new positions and activities that I feel I am a very adventurous sexual creature. Before being with him physically I was worried about my sexual inexperience, but he repeatedly reassured me by telling me my inexperience was a good thing because he'd be able to customize me to his needs and desires. We also discovered another benefit, and that is that my pussy is very tight and he enjoys that. I am 33 but perhaps I have the cunt of a 20 year old, or maybe even a teenager, because I had only been with three men before Master - twice with the first man - the older man who took my virginity when I was 16, once with the second man - a college professor who was almost 40 years older than me, and probably less than 100 times with the man I was with for 13 years - the man I married who was 32 years older than me.
I'd give anything to be with Master right now. I want and need to be fucked senseless. Were I a woman with inferior scruples, I'd have gone off to find promiscuous sex to hold me over until I could be with him again. I am not perfect but I pride myself on the morals I do have. Besides wanting to be a loyal and faithful slave, I could not bring myself to sleep with another man because Master is the only man I desire. My thoughts and fantasies are always of him. When I am in public I no longer notice that an occasional man is attractive. Also, nowadays I would not want to have sex with someone without being in love with them.
I wonder how often other people do what I have done today. It's not the first time I have done it. There have been several times in the past where I have eluded acquaintances by darting into another aisle.
I do not dislike these people. It is not about them. It is about me. I am not the social butterfly I used to be, and that is how most of them remember me. These days I sometimes feel drained of my energy when I am forced into conversation with someone and have to pretend as though I am enjoying it. It takes too much energy to act cheerful when I am not feeling cheerful. I like quiet and keeping to myself, although I do really enjoy the company of a very select few people. Please do not think that I am never cheerful, because I often am.
Several times over the months she has angered me with her malicious comments about Master. How snide were her remarks! She always felt he wasn't good enough for me, no doubt because she wanted me all to herself, so no one would be good enough for me but her alone. I hid my angry feelings from her about this for a long time, until a couple months ago when I sent her a letter asking her to cease her negativity, and that I wanted her emotional support. After all, long ago she had resolved to be a friend when she had given up trying to be a lover or Mistress. I needed the support of a friend. Even after my request, however, she continued with her catty remarks. At dinner the other day she was speaking her usual nonsense about Master. I kindly and gently reminded her of my request, and when I did she gave me a look that said, "How dare you!" Her body language told me she was shocked that a mere submissive woman would dare call her out on her behavior. How dare I stand-up to her! Two days later - a week before our one-year anniversary of having met - I received a letter in the mail that said:
sophia, you are no longer My friend, nor are you anything else to Me. Goodbye. Catherine
It was the first time she hadn't capitalized my name. In addition, she wanted to make a poignant statement by capitalizing everything that refered to herself. I also noticed on the envelope that she used lower-case letters for my name but capitilized properly everything else in the address. She had never done this before with other mail items. This childish gesture on her part reminded me of a male dog spraying his urine to mark his territory. It was Catherine's last gesture toward me and she wanted it to be dramatic and cruel in order to put me in my place. She is 20 years older than me but does not seem my superior where wisdom and maturity are concerned. I forgive her, because I know she's wounded. Besides, she has made it easier for me because I have dreaded spending more time with her due to her negativity and I was looking forward to moving in two months so I wouldn't have to socialize with her anymore. I already knew I generally disliked her but I didn't have the heart to tell her. I do not miss her nor am I saddened at the ties being broken. It will make me seem shallow but the thing I will miss most about her are all the dinners she bought for me. Perhaps in a way I used her just as she used me. She liked to be seen with me because I was much younger, thinner and prettier. Then again, I believe she harbored an inner jealousy of my youthfulness. She would hardly ever let me pay for my own meals nor the tips, and I know this was her way of dominating me. Sometimes I would plead with her to let me pay my way, and when I did she insisted I shut-up and that she would smack me if I continued. When she spoiled me she was in fact possessing me. She was wanting me to feel obligated to her.
She has sometimes subtly revealed her fantasies to me in the things she said. She dreamed of causing me physical pain because she is a sadist. She had already let me know that she really wanted to give me 75 strokes with a whip in order to punish me for all the times I did not return her phone calls. Now that we are no longer speaking I am sure she is sitting alone and brooding with constant images running through her imagination, images of me screaming and pleading for her to stop whipping me.
I do hate doing the dishes, though. My next apartment WILL have a dishwasher, even if I have to buy a portable one.