Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Consciousness and Slavery

One of the biggest influences on my approach to slave training was a book by Dr. David R. Hawkins, entitled “Power vs. Force”. If you haven’t read it I can’t recommend it enough, because it will give you a fresh perspective on literally everything.

However, I intend to limit myself to an examination of what binds a slave to you emotionally far more securely than the heaviest physical chains ever could.

Hawkins maintains that there are two basic types of influence over others.

The first is Force. Force is coercive and relies on physical intimidation to obtain compliance with those using it. The main problem with Force is that it must be sustained to be effective and that it automatically generates resistance over time to it. Thus it must ultimately exhaust itself and collapse, regardless of how formidable it might seem in the short run. It must actively be applied to be effective.

The second is Power. Power is attractive. It doesn’t exert any energy at all to influence others. Rather others are drawn to it like moths to a flame. The attractiveness of Power is continuous and requires no energy to sustain. No resistance is generated against it since there is nothing to push back against. The end result is that Power is inexhaustible and thus endures whereas Force exhausts itself and dissipates.

If you want to truly enslave another you must use Power, not Force.

For instance, I could kidnap a woman, chain her in my basement, whip her and coerce her physically into doing my bidding and call her my slave. In fact she would be a slave, but how stable is that slavery? I would always have to worry about concealing her, preventing her from escaping and even guard against letting her assault me in an unguarded moment. In other words I would have to continue to apply Force to keep her as a slave. Should anything go wrong I would be in a world of trouble and she would be free again.

But I chose to use Power to enslave my woman. I analyzed her character to determine what it was she needed, as opposed to wanted. I’m not talking about material needs, but psychological and physical needs. Then it was simple to provide those needs in a way no other man had done before me. This created an irresistible attraction for her beyond the merely physical.

As a result my slave feels whole only with me. She feels safe only with me. She feels loved only with me. She cannot even envision life without me as her Master. In essence she lives to please me because she knows that is the key to the future she envisions – a life of service to the one man who completes her totally.

Of course I whip her, discipline her and my will is law to her, but this too comforts her and makes her feel secure. I never stop observing her and listening to her in order that I can continue to give her those things without which life would be impossible for her.

The bottom line is that no matter what happens my slave is bound to me. She cannot escape me because she is only happy as my slave. That represents the ultimate slave conditioning to me.

Power vs. Force. Choose Power and your slave is yours for life.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Spare the rod and spoil the slave

One thing I have observed over the course of the last year training my slave is that the biblical admonition of “spare the rod and spoil the child” is very applicable to slave training.

When I took Sophia as a slave I made it clear that while I understood that nobody is perfect and that she would inevitably not always complete her duties to my satisfaction, I had no intention of accepting anything less than perfect obedience from her.

Sophia had never been a slave before. She had fantasized about it since a young girl, though. One of my biggest concerns was that she would find the reality of being a slave far less satisfying and comfortable than her fantasy.

Being a genuine slave, as opposed to playing BDSM games is far more demanding than a typical submissive can handle. One key difference is that being a submissive allows a woman the privilege of saying no without ending the relationship. Perhaps the biggest difference, however, is that being a slave means not only total surrender to the Master’s will but embracing the concept of living to serve the Master’s desires regardless of personal desires on the part of the slave.

Until they become slaves, a typical woman and even a typical submissive believe they are entitled to pleasure from their partner as a matter of fairness and right. They believe they have rights which are independent of their partners wishes. Such is not the case with a slave.

As a result, the transition to true slavery can be difficult for a woman. Old habits of thought die hard even when their hearts are in the right place. For that reason I believe that breaking down those old thought processes as quickly as possible is the best way to train a slave and that means continuous conditioning so that obedience becomes reflexive rather than considered.

One problem for Sophia has been her Gemini personality, which chafes at rules laid down by others. A type of passive aggressive resistance can easily develop as a result, where there is no explicit disobedience but rather a kind of foot dragging obedience. That is clearly unacceptable if she is to be the ideal slave I wish to mold her into.

The most effective tool I’ve found for her behavior modification is a belt I call “The Persuader”. Any and all deviation from my instructions, including not performing with the correct spirit, is punished immediately. This typically takes the form of interrupting whatever we are doing, baring her ass and applying a number of strokes to each cheek. This varies from 1 to 10 per cheek for typical offenses.

This is not major punishment. That is reserved for serious offenses. But what these minor punishments accomplish is to immediately reinforce proper behavior since Sophia is required not only to accept her punishment, but to kiss the persuader in appreciation of her upcoming punishment, take the punishment while counting the strokes, thank me for punishing her and most importantly, recite why she is being punished and promise to obey satisfactorily in the future.

As a result my slave is frequently punished but the punishments are not especially harsh. That frequent punishment keeps my slave constantly aware that her performance is being monitored and that she cannot get away with ANYTHING.

Thus my slave becomes accustomed to obedience without question or delay by numerous small punishments. She also thrives by knowing that I am giving her the attention which she needs as a slave and a woman. This makes her feel loved and secure in our relationship.

So to any Master who hesitates to punish his slave because the offense is minor I maintain that both you and your slave will be happier if you never spare the rod. Then you’ll never spoil your slave.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Who is Master?

I could never submit to a man of lesser intelligence than mine.  Master's mind is not only compatible with mine it is superior to mine.  I was always attracted to intelligent men, and now I have one in the form of a Master.

One of the first questions I asked Master when we met was, "What is your I.Q.?"  I know that's a silly question to ask someone and anyone can lie about their I.Q. to impress someone.  I also know there is more to intelligence than I.Q., but to start off Master did answer my question with a number I found impressive.  (I know he found my question amusing.)  After knowing him a short while I knew he wasn't lying to me about his I.Q.  because it became evident in everything we spoke about.  He stimulates me intellectually in ways no one else ever has.  (He stimulates me in other ways, too.  You know what I'm talking about!)

I am not sure what it is about high intelligence that attracts me.  I would venture to guess that it has something to do with strength, though of course it is not physical in nature.  The natural woman - and of course the submissive woman - needs to submit to a strong man.  She will test him a lot in the beginning to make sure he is the strong man she needs, and she will continue to test him throughout their relationship.

Master is the first man that has been able to conquer me.  He is my intellectual superior and he also makes me answer to him when I do not meet his expectations, but also when I do not meet my own expectations.  Having a strong man makes me feel safe.  I feel secure and protected when I place my life in his hands.  He cares for me better than I care for myself.  For example, when I am feeling sick I am tempted to just lay in the bed and suffer, being too lazy to get up and do something about it.  Master will order me to get up to do something about it, whether it be taking an ibuprofen for pain, gargling with salt water for sore throats, or even making household remedies for kidney stones.  Sometimes I will whine about having to get up but he will not let me fail.  While at the time I may not like being ordered to get out of the bed, I realize it is best for me.

With my life in his hands I am free.  He makes all the decisions and saves me from the anxiety of having to make them, though sometimes I may give him my input and what I call my "slave's advice", which he patiently and appreciatively listens to without feeling that his pride has been wounded.  He always takes my input into consideration.  So in a way Master takes most of the stresses of the world away from me, and he carries them on his strong shoulders.  Even when he punishes me he is taking away my stress at having failed, as it relieves me of guilt and keeps me motivated.  In return I gladly and happily serve him.  In a way the Master and slave relationship has some parental aspects to it, yet though he is very nurturing to me there will be times that I will nurture him, like when I give him the soft and gentle caresses of a woman's touch, or when I cook his meals for him and make his home pleasant and comfortable to live in.  Just as he has comforted and soothed me when something in life has reduced me to tears, I will be there for him over the years to hold him in my arms when something has brought him down.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Why Punishment is necessary

Sir J,

I have long held the belief that if one cannot defend one’s positions rationally and calmly then perhaps one’s premises are on shaky ground and should be rethought. So I don’t take your question as an affront but as a challenge to defend my premises. Even if we ultimately don’t agree there is no reason to be disagreeable and I don’t hold myself up as the final authority on anything, especially an area such as BDSM, where one size definitely doesn’t fit all.
Let me try to answer your questions point by point.

"Sophia is a slave. She gave up her right to disobey when I locked her collar in place." If we accept this as true then there should be no need to punish as there should be no disobeying.

What you overlook is that there are many forms of disobedience as well as failure to perform adequately. My slave is punished if she doesn’t please me by her performance. For example, suppose I order her to wash the car.
She may respond in many ways to this command. Obviously, she could simply refuse, but as my slave she wouldn’t be expected to do that. That was your point. However, she could obey in a variety of ways. She could promptly go out and wash the car inside and out with enthusiasm, polish it without being told to and leave it sparkling, all with a smile on her face and a song in her heart at being able to serve her Master. This is ideal. She could also make excuses about how hot it is outside and attempt to put the task off, sulk about having to do it, and not complete the task because she ran out of time on the day I ordered her to do it. This would obviously merit punishment. Or she could do something in between. My point is that I do not expect her to merely go through the motions of obedience and will not tolerate slipshod compliance with my orders. Punishment is not only for outright disobedience, but also for inadequate performance.

I could praise her for good performance, but without punishment, mediocre performance could easily become her standard and that would annoy me while she would learn that I was not serious about having my orders carried out properly. I find that situation corrosive to both household discipline and her respect for my authority. Sophia knows what I expect and she knows that I will punish her until I get it, therefore the easiest thing for her to do is to obey without question or delay and to do the very best job she is capable of doing. She can then take pride in both her performance and my praise for having served me well.

Now the next point.

Further you said "Thus she is flogged for disobedience, but also as a test of her obedience " and I wonder why is it necessary to test her obedience if you in fact know that you own her. I realize this is a smart ass comment and I am truly asking it to illustrate my point not to piss you off but do you also periodically check your auto registration to make sure your car is yours?

I test her obedience not to remind myself that I own her, but to remind HER that I own her. Testing reminds her she is totally subject to my whim and that her lot as a slave is to obey, even if her orders are painful or distasteful. This is what true submission is all about. Total loss of the ability to say no and stay in the relationship. As part of her ongoing training I remind her of this by word and deed every day. Each act of obedience reinforces the habit of obedience as well as her acceptance of her status as a true slave, not a mere submissive woman.

As for your last point:

Which brings me to the crux of the matter for me which is "Punishment is therefore necessary because only the threat of punishment constantly reminds the slave that they are in fact a slave" and my continuing dilemma with wrapping my head around this thought process. If she signed a contract, and wears a collar and is happily doing so, she agreed to it and is eagerly accepting of it then why the need of the big stick?

Yes, she signed a contract, wears a collar and is happy to do so. Yet she has an indolent streak, which must be addressed, and corporal punishment works wonders in focusing her mind on proper performance of her duties. I am not going to plead with her to obey me. That would be a contradiction in terms. The simple fact is that she responds to punishment, expects punishment for disobedience or poor performance and she realizes that her punishment is motivated by my love for her and desire to improve our relationship, not a sadistic self indulgence by me. It also gives her the opportunity to atone for her mistakes and get a clean slate. This relieves her of guilt for her unsatisfactory performance, should that occur.

Let me ask you this, Sir J; how does your slave feel when she knows she has displeased you or actually disobeyed you in some way? What mechanism have you found to ensure her future obedience? Does your slave feel guilt at displeasing you? How do you deal with that? Do you let her carry that guilt around? Do you find yourself frustrated by her poor performance?

I realize your situation is complicated with children in the house and I don’t know your slave’s attitude toward punishment or her pain tolerance. ( Punishment doesn’t have to mean pain, of course. Orgasm denial is a wonderful punishment.)
How would you differentiate between a submissive wife and a slave? Why do you consider your wife a slave instead of a submissive if she is unwilling to accept punishment or you are unwilling to administer it? Can she say no to you?
I’m not trying to attack you. I’m trying to clear up what is perhaps a semantic problem with definition of terms. I also realize the compromises you have had to make to both raise children and keep a BDSM relationship going. Obviously your slave wife is happy and satisfied with how you are doing it and I commend you for it.

What works for you would never work for Sophia and me, because over and above all I have said, my slave is a pain slut. She enjoys being whipped, cropped, flogged and spanked. It is a huge sexual turn on for her and without it she would be unsatisfied. That’s not to say she can’t enjoy sex without pain, but it certainly enhances the experience for her.
So as her lover as well as her Master, I give her what she likes and needs to achieve maximum sexual pleasure and emotional satisfaction and she likes to be punished.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Why I Need This - and Why I Suspect Some Other Women Do, Too

This is the book I am currently reading.  It is Henry and June by Anaïs Nin.  It has nearly brought me to tears on several occasions because of the similarities I've found between me and Anaïs.

She is a very sexually adventurous woman and even though she is married she has several affairs with both men and women.  It seems she only feels secure and less vulnerable when she has love coming from multiple sources.  While I could never be sexually untrue to Master I do understand this need for love.  I do like to make emotional bonds with people.

I identify with Anaïs in the way she was molded into who she was in her adult life.  When she was younger her father would severely and angrily beat her when he punished her.  As a result it appears to me that she is emotionally imbalanced and seeks validation and love.  Her husband is a very loving and patient man but he is not the stronger older man that she secretely desires and needs.  She wants a leader, a father figure and someone who can take control of her.

I have been wired in a similar way.  My father was quite cruel with me when he punished me and I came to fear him greatly.  Even when I was older and knew he couldn't hurt me anymore I was still afraid of him.  Every time I was with him I was nervous.  I know that not every submissive woman was abused as a child but I am almost certain that my abuse made me into the naturally submissive woman I am today.  Also I always looked for older men as my lovers, perhaps because subconsciously I wanted the fatherly love from them that I never got from my own father.  Ever since I was 15 I was on the Internet trying to find the older man who could take possession of me.  I did not like soft men.  I did not like the drooling teenage suitors who pursued me.  I needed a man who could keep me in line, a strong man.  I needed a man who would not give one second's hesitation to punish me when I misbehaved.

Master and I have spoken about the roles of Masters and slaves and we both agree that in relationships like this there is less room for conflict.  Our roles are clearly defined and as such there will not be any struggle for power.  We feel that this will lead to a more stable and long-lasting relatiotionship.  I know that not every woman desires to submit to a man but I have read countless blogs of women who have been in a vanilla relationship for decades only to realize that they became most happy when their husbands took control.  Finally they were no longer allowed to snap at or bad-mouth their husbands without repurcussions.  They felt safer, more secure and better protected when they felt the strength of their husbands, and thus they were much more content with their marriage.

I remember a year ago when I was watching a live camera feed of a female owl in a nest with her hatchlings.  The father flew into the nest with food and started to attack her.  He was beating her with his wings and pecking at her with his beak.  I thought he was trying to kill her but I learned from some experts that this was something like an act of affection.  He was showing her his dominance and thus was displaying to her that he was there to care for her and her children.  I cannot deny, especially after having been given this example, that in many biological creatures there is an inherent need for this act of dominance and submission.  Perhaps modern society has tried to make us feel that such behavior is not normal or immoral, but that need is my own.  I want equality for women all over the world, especially in the workplace, but in our house and in our bed I want to be at Master's feet.

I will never be able to explain to someone else nor to myself why I like some forms of pain and control and why I find it sexually arousing.  That is just how I was programmed and I will never be happy unless this is a part of the relationship I am in.  Master knows what types and levels of pain arouse me and also what intensity of pain to use to punish me without mutilating me.  I like erotic pain, but I also know that even if I don't like punishment-level pain it is used to keep me in the place that I am most happy.  So I will always accept the punishment that Master doles out and I will thank him for it because it not only keeps the structure of our dynamics in place but also enhances our relationship.  When I fear punishment I am likely to be less indolent, for example.  I will also be less likely to throw a temper tantrum.  No matter what, though, Master will only punish with love and self-control and after I have accepted my punishment my slate is wiped clean.  He has forgiven me.  In most cases I have only gotten in trouble where I have failed to follow through on orders that would have benefited me, my emotional well-being or health.  I used to have a bad habit of biting and picking my nails.  He ordered me not to bite or pick and when I did he would punish me.  Every time I bit or picked he would escalate the intensity of the punishment.  I would try to weasel out of punishment by manipulatively attempting to play on his sympathies.  I told him that I was under a great deal of stress and that I was unconsciously taking it out on my nails.  I was hoping he would take pity on me.  He would have none of my excuses and continued to punish me until finally I got the hint.  Now I have beautiful long nails that other women envy.  The incident also reinforced the lesson that Master's will must always be obeyed.  Of course I will also find myself in trouble when I fail to perform my slavely duties, but those are given in order to keep our home a happy home for both me and Master.

A good example of how our relationship works in a positive way is given in the dream I had last night.  In real life Master had been a smoker and I was always frustrated that he could not quit.  For months I kept pressing him to quit.  I BEGGED him to quit to the point that sometimes he was annoyed with me because I became a little pushy and sometimes downright bitchy in that I would insult him.  There were times I stepped out-of-place and I was not very slave-like at all and he would chastise me for it.  About a month ago he finally did quit.  Last night I dreamed that I could hear him inhaling and exhaling puffs of a cigarette while we were on the phone.  I asked him, "Are you smoking?"  He responded that he was, and I yelled, "Fuck you!" and then I hung up on him.  I told Master about my dream this morning.  He knows I have a lot of repressed anger that I sometimes let-out in my dreams.  He did, however, mention that he knows I would never talk to him like that in real life, and I also know I never would lest I receive the worst hide-tanning of my life.

Until I met Master my world was full of chaos.  When he took possession of me there was finally order.  Sometimes I still see chaos - I even create my own chaos - and find it unbearable, but it doesn't take long for Master to bring me to peace again.  I have only found that peace by submitting to a strong man, a man who is also very loving and nurturing.  He protects me from the world.  He also protects me from myself.

I love Master.  He meets all my needs.  I will always work on making sure that his are met, too.  When Master is happy, slave is happy.  To him my heart is fully open, and so are my legs.  ;)

Master Knows How to Take Care of His Property

One of the many things I love about Master is that he listens to everything I say no matter how mundane it is.  One moment we can have in-depth riveting discussions on intellectual topics and then shortly after I might mention what color I'm painting my fingernails.  It seems to me that everything I say to Master interests him.  We've been together over a year and never have I said something only to wonder whether he was paying attention or not.

Master has listened intently to me whether I'm doing show-and-tell or bubbling incoherently with tears from some emotional trauma.  He has been very generous with his time and has given me tremendous emotional support.  He's been a guide to me, and a counselor, too.  He has calmed me and soothed me.  Of course I love the orgasms he gives me but I also like the way I feel when he holds me while I sit on his lap.  He will speak gently to me and stroke my long hair.  He will tell me that everything will be OK.  Not only does he quench my instinctive sexual desires and need to be controlled and dominated but he also takes care of my inner little girl.

The image of the fairy above is a temporary tattoo I put on my arm yesterday.  I am in love with it and I wanted to show it to Master.  (He doesn't like the idea of my getting a real tattoo, due to the possibility of it affecting MRIs should I need them when I'm older.)  I've shown him other various mundane things that I'm excited about and he is always interested and he says he likes that I am so easily amused.  He is right - I am very easily entertained and not at all high-maintanence.  Well, at least I'm not high-maintanence where fashion, riches, jewelry, clothes, purses, hair and shoes are concerned.  I do admit that emotionally I am high-maintanence and that I love all the attention that Master gives me.

I am a slave and I am to obey and serve or I will be punished, but at times I do feel like a Princess and I like it.  Master will not hesitate to be the boss but when we are in public he treats me like a lady.  He is old-fashioned in that he likes for me to hold his arm as we walk.  Sometimes we will also hold hands but I like to hold his arm as it gives me a sense of pride.  He will open doors for me, too.  In the midst of all this chivalry he still requires that I submit to his will, and so he doesn't like for me to walk ahead of him so he requires that I walk at his pace and always to the side he prefers depending on what side of the street we are walking.  I am still learning this because I do have a tendency to be absentminded and I'll realize I've gotten ahead of Master when he calls out to correct me, "Slave...."  When I realize my error I immediately slow down and come back to him.  I really like the way Master carries himself in public.  He walks with confidence and pride.  I also think he is very sexy when he is driving a car.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

A Master's responsibilities

A Master is much more than a mere sexual partner or even a leader.
If you are to really own another human being, as I do with my slave, you accept responsibility for them totally.
Thus you become responsible for every aspect of their lives.
Their physical, spiritual, intellectual and emotional well being and development is the ultimate responsibility of me, the Master.
Right now my slave is having some physical problems which are causing her a great deal of pain and stress. She is worried and fearful about her condition.
As Master, it is my duty to not just comfort her, but to see her through this.
As I have explained to her, since her body belongs to me and she is merely taking care of it, I have as much interest in that body's condition and health as she does.
As Master and slave we are a single unit and what affects her affects me as well.
This is my commitment to her and to our future together.
I expect her to recover fully so she may serve me for the rest of my life.
Thus carrying out my responsibilities as Master is beneficial to us both.


I wish to be a perfect whole. Light and dark. I am both a spiritual being and animal in that I have primal instincts. Rather than being the ascetic who feels horror at her bodily needs I will celebrate them. I am not ashamed to be a soul inhabiting a hedonistic body. To deny either my spiritual nature or my slut nature would cause an imbalance. I am complete in exploring both the goodness of spirituality and the wickedness of debauchery with Master. I do not want him to feel guilty about wanting control over another just as I do not feel guilt over desiring a man's control. I happily relinquish all control to him. I want his lash to tame my wild feminine beast so that I can yield and open my legs to him. I want to feel his hand gripping my hair, pulling my face to his so that his tongue can rape my mouth. I want to melt into his body as my soul melts into his soul. When he enters me we are one on earth as we are already one in a higher dimension.

As Master and slave we are the perfect Yin Yang. Male and female, hard and soft, dominance and submission. As spiritual kinky beings we are naughty and nice. I am owned and I could not be happy any other way. This is my security on earth.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Why Sophia?

There are many theories about what makes the perfect BDSM relationship.
This blog is dedicated to exploring the relationship between me and my slave, Sophia Anne.

Sophia is not my first slave, but I intend that she will be my last.
She is the first I have ever sought a permanent 24/7 relationship with, and I expect to eventually marry her, making her my first slave wife.

Of course, before then I will have the opportunity to train her and perfect her ability to serve me as I choose, thus proving her worth and earning her the right to wear a ring on her finger to compliment the ones on her nipples and clit.

Sophia is the perfect woman for me. To paraphrase an old Victorian saying, she is a lady in the drawing room and a whore in the boudoir.

She is totally submissive to me, but more importantly, she loves being submissive, rather than merely being accepting of it.

So far she has passed all of my tests and met my challenges, albeit not without disciplinary measures on several of them, especially the ones which had to do with bodily privacy.

I have broken her of the conceit that she is entitled to any privacy where her body is concerned and she now realizes that I own it and it is mine to do with as I wish.

I would like to explain my philosophy of discipline for my slave and invite your comments.

First, Master's word is LAW. A command is to be obeyed cheerfully, diligently and immediately, or in a timely manner if that is not possible.

My slave always has the opportunity to point out a problem with her being able to carry out my orders, if she feels that she cannot for some reason. I will then consider her plea. At that point, if I agree, I may relent on my order. However, if I feel her objection is merit-less, I will order her to carry out my order regardless of her objection. Further pleas are met with immediate punishment for abusing her privilege to object and she is then expected to obey.

Should she fail to obey, or should her performance be unsatisfactory my slave is ALWAYS punished. This is an inviolable rule. Performance or punishment. In this way my slave learns that Master MUST be obeyed and that it is useless to make excuses or to attempt to play on his sympathy. I have none.

That is not to say that should my slave not complete her duties that I will not allow for extraordinary circumstances. However, allowing for them will at best mitigate her punishment somewhat. I do not give orders which I don't believe can be followed, so while there might be an explanation why her performance is unsatisfactory, there is NO EXCUSE for failing to do so.

Punishment is the inevitable result. However, punishment is an opportunity for my slave to redeem herself for her failure. To me, administering punishment is an act of love, which reinforces my slave's conviction that I must be obeyed and is her chance to learn from that failure and resolve to do better in the future.

At the end of her punishment the protocol is for her to thank me for correcting her for whatever her shortcoming, and a pledge to obey in the future. She must then attempt the task again, and if need be as many times, with as many punishments as necessary to finally do as I command.

She knows that she will never escape the need to perform her task and also that the punishment will escalate with each failure to please me until she does.

However, with each punishment, she demonstrates her willingness to accept not only my punishment, but also her desire to improve as a slave and to obey me in the future.
Thus, she always earns a clean slate for the future and there can be no carryover of anger at her for failure to please me, because she has substituted her suffering for her performance.

As a result I can afford to be infinitely patient with her, while always knowing that she will ultimately do as I command her. In this way we turn a negative experience into a positive one which reinforces her obedience and gives her a sense of pride for taking responsibility and pain for her actions.

My ultimate goal is instant, enthusiastic and diligent obedience for any order I give, regardless of how distasteful or daunting it might appear to her at first.

She knows and expects that I will continue to test her and to push her limits so she can grow both as a person and a slave. She also knows that I will never give her an order which will cause her harm, although she may be required to endure pain, humiliation or some other type of discomfort or denial. Her training will never end.

Above all, though, my slave knows that no punishment will ever be meted out from anger. All punishment is calculated to accomplish one of two things, either obedience or sexual stimulation.
Obviously I have been talking about punishment for obedience reinforcement here. But the goal is the making of a better slave by correcting behavior which would undermine the relationship if allowed to continue. As such that punishment is necessary and is given in the spirit of love for my slave, since I wouldn't want anything to compromise our relationship and I know that my slave is happiest when she feels totally dominated. As I see it, it would be cruel NOT to punish her for inadequate performance.

At least that is how I see it. How do you discipline your slaves?

What Was My Subconscious Thinking?!

I was talking to Master on the phone earlier. I revealed to him a dream I had last night that made me feel guilty. In my dream I had had sex with one of my Facebook friends. It's the first time since I've known Master - over a year - that I've dreamed of having sex with someone else. I felt that my subconscious had betrayed him. While I know that dreams are not something I can control, I wondered why there was a part of me that could allow me to have such a dream.

One of the things that I'm extremely happy about in my relationship with Master is that I feel I can tell him anything. The man I had been married to in the past I was with for over 13 years, and I always felt I had things to hide from him. I felt imprisoned in my vanilla marriage; I feel free as a slave. Isn't that odd? I always want to be an open book to Master. It is very liberating for me to feel that I never have to hide anything from him. So I told him about my dream and also that I felt guilty. I told him I felt as if I had been unfaithful to him in my dream. He eased my concerns, just as he always has when I've told him things I've been guilty or ashamed about. I've made mistakes but never have I feared telling him about them. Even if I get punished for my mistakes I know that I will always be forgiven. Master punishes with love, not anger. (The dream, of course, is not a punishable offence!)

Friday, June 17, 2011

The Love Element

When I was researching BDSM online recently, I found that some participants claim that love and BDSM don't mix. Before making my fantasies a reality in the past year, I had fantasized about BDSM since I was a young girl and I must admit I do not recall ever imagining love being a part of it. I do not know why. I was also a girl who never daydreamed about weddings with white dresses, happily-ever-afters, houses with kids, fenced yards and all that. I guess I never really thought about love in general.

When I was in the dating scene in high school, I dated boys from school just to go through the motions. I never enjoyed it. I dreaded being driven home from a date because I knew the boy would always want to sit in the car in the driveway expecting a kiss, and I hated kissing all of them. I felt no attraction to these boys that were close to my age. I wanted an older man. I did finally start sneaking around with older men. Some of them were 40 or more years older than me. I had more fun with them than with boys my age, but still I couldn't find anyone I could love. I even married a man 32 years older than me but I was not in love with him. I was very unhappy for many years.

Then I met Master. He is an older man but the ingredient I've been missing all this time before meeting him was raw male strength - that of a leader, protector, disciplinarian, guide, teacher, mentor, even father figure. I know some might scoff at the whole father figure idea, but the fact is that Master has given me the nurturing and unconditional love that I never received from my own parents. There is probably something psychologically twisted about that but all I know is that my needs are being met. For the first time in my life I am happy, really truly happy...not just some pretend happy.

There will be plenty of time for me to expand on the details on this blog, but for now I will say very simply that Master and I are in love with each other. We've known each other for over a year and are making plans to move-in together and to eventually marry. For us the element of love has not been a problem. In fact, it has actually enhanced our lives. We are Master and slave, but also lovers, best friends, confidants, playmates and much more. We have had many discussions about our love for each other and have even in the past concluded that we would still love each other even if I decided I didn't want to be a slave or he a Master. Our love has not in the least undermined the power dynamics. Master is boss and I know he is boss. I know my proper role in our relationship.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Sexual Urges

I am frustrated and agitated. I can't be consistently focused on an activity because I am always horny, and painfully so. This distracts me terribly. I wish I could enjoy reading a book for more than five minutes without being annoyed by the pulsating cunt and starving clit. I have no outlet for this except for the "magic wand" that Master sent home with me after I visited him. This brings me relief, but it is short-lived in that not more than five minutes later I am horny again. He will not be able to feed me his cock for another two and a half months. After I move in with him I will finally be able to have frequent sex and I will not be desperate for it as I am now. When I traveled to visit him for nine days he dominated me and gave me the best fucking. I had never imagined a woman could be fucked like that and his style touched the core of me that needs to submit to a strong man.

Before visiting him I had unintentionally abstained from sex for over 11 years, because I was married to a man I was not sexually attracted to. By the time I got to Master I was ready to explode. I was very sexually inexperienced but he taught me so many new positions and activities that I feel I am a very adventurous sexual creature. Before being with him physically I was worried about my sexual inexperience, but he repeatedly reassured me by telling me my inexperience was a good thing because he'd be able to customize me to his needs and desires. We also discovered another benefit, and that is that my pussy is very tight and he enjoys that. I am 33 but perhaps I have the cunt of a 20 year old, or maybe even a teenager, because I had only been with three men before Master - twice with the first man - the older man who took my virginity when I was 16, once with the second man - a college professor who was almost 40 years older than me, and probably less than 100 times with the man I was with for 13 years - the man I married who was 32 years older than me.

I'd give anything to be with Master right now. I want and need to be fucked senseless. Were I a woman with inferior scruples, I'd have gone off to find promiscuous sex to hold me over until I could be with him again. I am not perfect but I pride myself on the morals I do have. Besides wanting to be a loyal and faithful slave, I could not bring myself to sleep with another man because Master is the only man I desire. My thoughts and fantasies are always of him. When I am in public I no longer notice that an occasional man is attractive. Also, nowadays I would not want to have sex with someone without being in love with them.

Sometimes I Pretend to be a Stranger

I recognized a woman in the pharmacy today. I was hoping she didn't recognize me. I knew her over ten years ago. I feel guilty for not saying hello to her but I was not in the mood to talk. I do not like to think of myself as cold or indifferent. Both she and the cashier called out to me because I walked away without one of the bags. To get my attention as I was walking out the door, the cashier called out, "Ma'am!", and the woman I recognized yelled, "Lady!" I wonder if she knew it was me and pretended not to know because she could sense I wanted to keep to myself.

I wonder how often other people do what I have done today. It's not the first time I have done it. There have been several times in the past where I have eluded acquaintances by darting into another aisle.

I do not dislike these people. It is not about them. It is about me. I am not the social butterfly I used to be, and that is how most of them remember me. These days I sometimes feel drained of my energy when I am forced into conversation with someone and have to pretend as though I am enjoying it. It takes too much energy to act cheerful when I am not feeling cheerful. I like quiet and keeping to myself, although I do really enjoy the company of a very select few people. Please do not think that I am never cheerful, because I often am.

A Goodbye Letter in a Yellow Envelope

Catherine broke-up with me to preserve her pride. More than anything it was preparation for the move I am about to make 500 miles away. The move is symbolic to her of the fact that I chose a man over her. She has always harbored resentment toward Master because he is a man and she felt such competetiveness. She was jealous that he has a cock and she does not. She knew that although I have had slight interest in women it was inevitably the cock that would give me supreme joy.

Several times over the months she has angered me with her malicious comments about Master. How snide were her remarks! She always felt he wasn't good enough for me, no doubt because she wanted me all to herself, so no one would be good enough for me but her alone. I hid my angry feelings from her about this for a long time, until a couple months ago when I sent her a letter asking her to cease her negativity, and that I wanted her emotional support. After all, long ago she had resolved to be a friend when she had given up trying to be a lover or Mistress. I needed the support of a friend. Even after my request, however, she continued with her catty remarks. At dinner the other day she was speaking her usual nonsense about Master. I kindly and gently reminded her of my request, and when I did she gave me a look that said, "How dare you!" Her body language told me she was shocked that a mere submissive woman would dare call her out on her behavior. How dare I stand-up to her! Two days later - a week before our one-year anniversary of having met - I received a letter in the mail that said:

sophia, you are no longer My friend, nor are you anything else to Me. Goodbye. Catherine

It was the first time she hadn't capitalized my name. In addition, she wanted to make a poignant statement by capitalizing everything that refered to herself. I also noticed on the envelope that she used lower-case letters for my name but capitilized properly everything else in the address. She had never done this before with other mail items. This childish gesture on her part reminded me of a male dog spraying his urine to mark his territory. It was Catherine's last gesture toward me and she wanted it to be dramatic and cruel in order to put me in my place. She is 20 years older than me but does not seem my superior where wisdom and maturity are concerned. I forgive her, because I know she's wounded. Besides, she has made it easier for me because I have dreaded spending more time with her due to her negativity and I was looking forward to moving in two months so I wouldn't have to socialize with her anymore. I already knew I generally disliked her but I didn't have the heart to tell her. I do not miss her nor am I saddened at the ties being broken. It will make me seem shallow but the thing I will miss most about her are all the dinners she bought for me. Perhaps in a way I used her just as she used me. She liked to be seen with me because I was much younger, thinner and prettier. Then again, I believe she harbored an inner jealousy of my youthfulness. She would hardly ever let me pay for my own meals nor the tips, and I know this was her way of dominating me. Sometimes I would plead with her to let me pay my way, and when I did she insisted I shut-up and that she would smack me if I continued. When she spoiled me she was in fact possessing me. She was wanting me to feel obligated to her.

She has sometimes subtly revealed her fantasies to me in the things she said. She dreamed of causing me physical pain because she is a sadist. She had already let me know that she really wanted to give me 75 strokes with a whip in order to punish me for all the times I did not return her phone calls. Now that we are no longer speaking I am sure she is sitting alone and brooding with constant images running through her imagination, images of me screaming and pleading for her to stop whipping me.

The Comforts of Clean

Isn't it wonderful how proud one feels when the abode is freshly cleaned? Kinda makes me want to plop down in a chair and sigh with contentedness while looking around and admiring my work.

I do hate doing the dishes, though. My next apartment WILL have a dishwasher, even if I have to buy a portable one.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Gold Digger

Older men, younger women and the stereotype that goes with it - gold digging. I know all about gold digging, yes. My Master is not rich but digging for gold I have done and it has yielded riches beyond my wildest dreams. After excavating a vast expanse over a vast period of time, I have found gold... a heart of gold, and it is his, and I love it. ♥