Thursday, June 16, 2011

A Goodbye Letter in a Yellow Envelope

Catherine broke-up with me to preserve her pride. More than anything it was preparation for the move I am about to make 500 miles away. The move is symbolic to her of the fact that I chose a man over her. She has always harbored resentment toward Master because he is a man and she felt such competetiveness. She was jealous that he has a cock and she does not. She knew that although I have had slight interest in women it was inevitably the cock that would give me supreme joy.

Several times over the months she has angered me with her malicious comments about Master. How snide were her remarks! She always felt he wasn't good enough for me, no doubt because she wanted me all to herself, so no one would be good enough for me but her alone. I hid my angry feelings from her about this for a long time, until a couple months ago when I sent her a letter asking her to cease her negativity, and that I wanted her emotional support. After all, long ago she had resolved to be a friend when she had given up trying to be a lover or Mistress. I needed the support of a friend. Even after my request, however, she continued with her catty remarks. At dinner the other day she was speaking her usual nonsense about Master. I kindly and gently reminded her of my request, and when I did she gave me a look that said, "How dare you!" Her body language told me she was shocked that a mere submissive woman would dare call her out on her behavior. How dare I stand-up to her! Two days later - a week before our one-year anniversary of having met - I received a letter in the mail that said:

sophia, you are no longer My friend, nor are you anything else to Me. Goodbye. Catherine

It was the first time she hadn't capitalized my name. In addition, she wanted to make a poignant statement by capitalizing everything that refered to herself. I also noticed on the envelope that she used lower-case letters for my name but capitilized properly everything else in the address. She had never done this before with other mail items. This childish gesture on her part reminded me of a male dog spraying his urine to mark his territory. It was Catherine's last gesture toward me and she wanted it to be dramatic and cruel in order to put me in my place. She is 20 years older than me but does not seem my superior where wisdom and maturity are concerned. I forgive her, because I know she's wounded. Besides, she has made it easier for me because I have dreaded spending more time with her due to her negativity and I was looking forward to moving in two months so I wouldn't have to socialize with her anymore. I already knew I generally disliked her but I didn't have the heart to tell her. I do not miss her nor am I saddened at the ties being broken. It will make me seem shallow but the thing I will miss most about her are all the dinners she bought for me. Perhaps in a way I used her just as she used me. She liked to be seen with me because I was much younger, thinner and prettier. Then again, I believe she harbored an inner jealousy of my youthfulness. She would hardly ever let me pay for my own meals nor the tips, and I know this was her way of dominating me. Sometimes I would plead with her to let me pay my way, and when I did she insisted I shut-up and that she would smack me if I continued. When she spoiled me she was in fact possessing me. She was wanting me to feel obligated to her.

She has sometimes subtly revealed her fantasies to me in the things she said. She dreamed of causing me physical pain because she is a sadist. She had already let me know that she really wanted to give me 75 strokes with a whip in order to punish me for all the times I did not return her phone calls. Now that we are no longer speaking I am sure she is sitting alone and brooding with constant images running through her imagination, images of me screaming and pleading for her to stop whipping me.

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