Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Why I Need This - and Why I Suspect Some Other Women Do, Too

This is the book I am currently reading.  It is Henry and June by Anaïs Nin.  It has nearly brought me to tears on several occasions because of the similarities I've found between me and Anaïs.

She is a very sexually adventurous woman and even though she is married she has several affairs with both men and women.  It seems she only feels secure and less vulnerable when she has love coming from multiple sources.  While I could never be sexually untrue to Master I do understand this need for love.  I do like to make emotional bonds with people.

I identify with Anaïs in the way she was molded into who she was in her adult life.  When she was younger her father would severely and angrily beat her when he punished her.  As a result it appears to me that she is emotionally imbalanced and seeks validation and love.  Her husband is a very loving and patient man but he is not the stronger older man that she secretely desires and needs.  She wants a leader, a father figure and someone who can take control of her.

I have been wired in a similar way.  My father was quite cruel with me when he punished me and I came to fear him greatly.  Even when I was older and knew he couldn't hurt me anymore I was still afraid of him.  Every time I was with him I was nervous.  I know that not every submissive woman was abused as a child but I am almost certain that my abuse made me into the naturally submissive woman I am today.  Also I always looked for older men as my lovers, perhaps because subconsciously I wanted the fatherly love from them that I never got from my own father.  Ever since I was 15 I was on the Internet trying to find the older man who could take possession of me.  I did not like soft men.  I did not like the drooling teenage suitors who pursued me.  I needed a man who could keep me in line, a strong man.  I needed a man who would not give one second's hesitation to punish me when I misbehaved.

Master and I have spoken about the roles of Masters and slaves and we both agree that in relationships like this there is less room for conflict.  Our roles are clearly defined and as such there will not be any struggle for power.  We feel that this will lead to a more stable and long-lasting relatiotionship.  I know that not every woman desires to submit to a man but I have read countless blogs of women who have been in a vanilla relationship for decades only to realize that they became most happy when their husbands took control.  Finally they were no longer allowed to snap at or bad-mouth their husbands without repurcussions.  They felt safer, more secure and better protected when they felt the strength of their husbands, and thus they were much more content with their marriage.

I remember a year ago when I was watching a live camera feed of a female owl in a nest with her hatchlings.  The father flew into the nest with food and started to attack her.  He was beating her with his wings and pecking at her with his beak.  I thought he was trying to kill her but I learned from some experts that this was something like an act of affection.  He was showing her his dominance and thus was displaying to her that he was there to care for her and her children.  I cannot deny, especially after having been given this example, that in many biological creatures there is an inherent need for this act of dominance and submission.  Perhaps modern society has tried to make us feel that such behavior is not normal or immoral, but that need is my own.  I want equality for women all over the world, especially in the workplace, but in our house and in our bed I want to be at Master's feet.

I will never be able to explain to someone else nor to myself why I like some forms of pain and control and why I find it sexually arousing.  That is just how I was programmed and I will never be happy unless this is a part of the relationship I am in.  Master knows what types and levels of pain arouse me and also what intensity of pain to use to punish me without mutilating me.  I like erotic pain, but I also know that even if I don't like punishment-level pain it is used to keep me in the place that I am most happy.  So I will always accept the punishment that Master doles out and I will thank him for it because it not only keeps the structure of our dynamics in place but also enhances our relationship.  When I fear punishment I am likely to be less indolent, for example.  I will also be less likely to throw a temper tantrum.  No matter what, though, Master will only punish with love and self-control and after I have accepted my punishment my slate is wiped clean.  He has forgiven me.  In most cases I have only gotten in trouble where I have failed to follow through on orders that would have benefited me, my emotional well-being or health.  I used to have a bad habit of biting and picking my nails.  He ordered me not to bite or pick and when I did he would punish me.  Every time I bit or picked he would escalate the intensity of the punishment.  I would try to weasel out of punishment by manipulatively attempting to play on his sympathies.  I told him that I was under a great deal of stress and that I was unconsciously taking it out on my nails.  I was hoping he would take pity on me.  He would have none of my excuses and continued to punish me until finally I got the hint.  Now I have beautiful long nails that other women envy.  The incident also reinforced the lesson that Master's will must always be obeyed.  Of course I will also find myself in trouble when I fail to perform my slavely duties, but those are given in order to keep our home a happy home for both me and Master.

A good example of how our relationship works in a positive way is given in the dream I had last night.  In real life Master had been a smoker and I was always frustrated that he could not quit.  For months I kept pressing him to quit.  I BEGGED him to quit to the point that sometimes he was annoyed with me because I became a little pushy and sometimes downright bitchy in that I would insult him.  There were times I stepped out-of-place and I was not very slave-like at all and he would chastise me for it.  About a month ago he finally did quit.  Last night I dreamed that I could hear him inhaling and exhaling puffs of a cigarette while we were on the phone.  I asked him, "Are you smoking?"  He responded that he was, and I yelled, "Fuck you!" and then I hung up on him.  I told Master about my dream this morning.  He knows I have a lot of repressed anger that I sometimes let-out in my dreams.  He did, however, mention that he knows I would never talk to him like that in real life, and I also know I never would lest I receive the worst hide-tanning of my life.

Until I met Master my world was full of chaos.  When he took possession of me there was finally order.  Sometimes I still see chaos - I even create my own chaos - and find it unbearable, but it doesn't take long for Master to bring me to peace again.  I have only found that peace by submitting to a strong man, a man who is also very loving and nurturing.  He protects me from the world.  He also protects me from myself.

I love Master.  He meets all my needs.  I will always work on making sure that his are met, too.  When Master is happy, slave is happy.  To him my heart is fully open, and so are my legs.  ;)

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