Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Getting Used to Being a Slave

Master has recently begun taking more control of me where my day-to-day activities are concerned.  I guess he's been doing this more and more as time goes on but not too quickly, maybe because he didn't want this to be a shock to my system.  He has also become more of a disciplinarian than ever before.  It was yesterday and especially today that I started to feel something inside of me struggling a bit.  In the past my errors had usually been simple forgetfulness or distraction and maybe some occasional whining, but yesterday and today he is exerting more influence over what I do during the day and I didn't complete all the things he wanted me to because I procrastinated and I also even did a few things he didn't want me to do, but only because I was having poor impulse-control.  My whole life I've been used to doing what I want and when I want, so I am still holding on to some habits.  I've always wanted to be a slave yet the reality of it has hit me, and I'm learning that I need to put aside my own desires to obey Master.  I want this slavery because I feel so happy, loved and secure.  It's something I've always wanted and finally get to experience, and not just with any random dom but a loving, nurturing, caring and wise master.  For over a year he has been very good to me and sometimes I feel guilt when I know I haven't repaid him with the immediate obedience or enthusiasm that he deserves.

Master once told me that slavery would not always be easy and that sometimes I would even feel angry at him, and I'm starting to see that he is right, but still I would not trade it for anything in the world.  I have noticed I've been punished a lot more recently, yet I know it's what I need to help me learn.  When he hasn't let me have my way lately I can hear this inner child in my head crying, "What a mean evil Master!"  I really have felt guilty about giving Master a hard time lately.  I know I'm making it harder on him than it should be, because masters already have so many responsibilities and I know it's not easy to be a master.  Subconsciously something in me is putting up a fight, and the other day when I was speaking to him and trying to get out of doing something or getting out of punishment I caught myself trying to sweet talk him and trying to use reverse psychology on him.  It's weird that at the time I didn't consciously know I was doing that but then suddenly I stopped and said, "Wow, not even reverse psychology works on you."  We both laughed - I laughed because I realized what I was doing and also the futility of it, and Master laughed because he knew exactly what I was doing.  I know Master knows what is going on with me because he knows so much about psychology.  He understands that adjusting to total and complete slavery is not going to be easy.  He punishes me and forgives me and then gives me another chance.  He really is very patient with me and I know he'll give me as much time as it takes to become the perfect slave.  Today when I've thought about my recent disobedience I imagined that perhaps it was the dying remnants of the free woman in me, clinging tightly to lingering freedom.  I want to get rid of her as much as Master does because this will allow me to completely surrender and enjoy the security of being completely owned.

Before I end this post I want to add that to encourage me to better accomplish my tasks he has given me post-hypnotic suggestions to orgasm when I have fulfilled one of his orders.  Fear of punishment of course is a motivator but I must admit that the gift of orgasm is a nice reward which also motives me.  I love orgasms and I live for them.  From morning until night I am horny and constantly craving release.  Occasionally Master will say a word which makes me orgasm but now I have another way to orgasm on top of that!  So now I have even more encouragement to satisfy his demands.

Thank you, Master, for being patient with me and teaching me and training me to be a good slave.  I really do want to be good so that I can serve you for the rest of your life.  I love seeing you happy and I feel such guilt when I know I've failed at something.

2 comments:

  1. Hi Sophia,

    Thanks for adding me! i enjoy reading your blog. It sounds like though it might be a struggle at times, you're making a lot of progress. Life improvements are never easy, no matter who is motivating you to make them. i struggle with procrastination as well (i think everybody does somewhat). i think that it's great that you have a caring yet firm Dom to guide you. i look forward to keeping up with your blog!

    take care,
    -Her toy

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  2. Her toy, thanks for the comment. I was responding here and then realized I was so wordy about it I wanted to make it an entire blog post. So, my response to your comment is on my blog.

    I look forward to visiting your blog again, too. You write so eloquently!

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